Tomorrow is Not Today

Speaker 1: But the truth is we
need to slow down to really find

who we are, and the reason I'm
saying this like that is because

our brains, or our mind, which
is separate to our body,

comprehends so quickly, but we
need to actually go to a place

where it's not doing that. And
the only time sometimes we can

do that is without stimulus,
without being stimulated by all

of the things that are external
and so on. So in a work

environment as a lawyer man,
they are stimulated like crazy.

There's so much going on.

Speaker 2: Welcome to the
Tomorrow Is Not Today podcast.

You've already started to create
the life you want just by being

here Design for you as a
business professional so you can

be physically, mentally and
emotionally healthy, more

productive, less stressed and
living a life you truly love. My

name's Kingsley, and thank you
for coming on another journey

with one of our uniquely
qualified professionals.

Speaker 3: Nate Cartleage. Thank
you so much for joining us today

on the Tomorrow Is Not Today
podcast.

Speaker 1: My pleasure, mate.
It's so good to be here and I

love what you are doing.

Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
Now, as usual, we're going to

get straight into one of the big
questions to start off with,

because, as we just heard in
your promo your bio, I guess is

you found your purpose. So I
know a lot of people are still

looking for that what is purpose
and why do you think you've

actually found yours?

Speaker 1: Really good question,
especially to start off with and

you'd think that I would be an
expert because I say that I

found my purpose and I'd be able
to come up with the answer on

hack like that. But I want to do
this justice, for people to

really understand purpose. So
there's two sides to purpose.

There's one, what we call
purpose, and the other one's a

mission, and they need to
combine together. So I believe

that our purpose is us. That's
what I believe, and so, rather

than like people say this and
for a long time I did too I'm

looking for my purpose. I'm
actually looking for my purpose.

I need to find my purpose. I
don't really know what my

purpose is, and we all
understand Simon Sinek's whole

why theory. When you know your
why, your how and your what will

work itself out and your why is
really your purpose, and we do

you can do all sorts of
different tests online, like the

Ikegai and all sorts of stuff,
to find your purpose. However, I

really intrinsically believe
that we are designed with

everything within us. We're
created with everything within

us to do all that we were
purpose to do by our creator. So

with that in mind, maybe four or
five years ago, I started.

I started look, I've always been
a curious human about personal

development, and why do I react
this way and why do I respond

that way? However, there's due
to my upbringing. There was

still a lot of victimhood, and
once I unwound that and I took

responsibility for it, I then
started this journey of purpose

and really finding my purpose,
and it wasn't something that I

had to go on a journey to. It
was something that I had to go

inside to find, and it was just
unpacking the layers of the

disbeliefs, the stories that I'd
written about myself, the

failings and all the stuff that
I'd actually written and not

taken responsibility for in my
life that I had to unpack to

find out who Nathan really was.
And the deal is that when I

found my purpose, I found Nathan
. I found this guy that I

actually really love, this guy
who was broken, who's been

through his journey, but he was
a good guy, who loves people,

loves God, loves his friends and
, yeah, wants success but what

is success and understands what
that is now and successes people

. And so my purpose was really
me. My purpose was to allow me

to shine my light brighter than
I'd ever shown, and on top of

that that I then add mission,
because if purpose is me, then

it can all become about me,
which is quite narcissistic, but

our purpose is us, so we can
then externalize and that's our

mission. My purpose was to
uncover the real Nathan. The

Nathan that's a really good guy
who loves life, loves energy, is

adventurous, loves people, and
then externalize that and to

mission which is about others.
So hope that's answered a lot of

people I know that I haven't
said, oh, my purpose is a

bricklayer, or my purpose is a
swinging from buildings, or my

purpose is a business person.
It's not. My purpose is me. My

purpose is to shine my light
bright.

Speaker 3: Yeah, and which is
awesome because it's definitely

a different take to what we
generally hear on it, but I

think it's a more realistic,
more true take on it. But I want

to dig deep into some of the
things you said there. You said

you had to go inside and unpack
some of the layers On a

practical level because,
listening to us, we got a lot of

entrepreneurs, a lot of business
people, a lot of people trying

to find their way in life and
who they are at the moment. And

whether we're successful in the
typical success scenario or

whether we are just trying to
get by in life or wherever we

feel that we are ourselves, we
all have this desire to be who

we should be and to live a
purpose. So how do you actually

go in and unpack that on a
practical level that someone can

go? I can do that today.

Speaker 1: I do have a formula
for this. I love this quote.

Then I started to live by a fair
while ago. Actually, like read

books, listen to podcasts, add
information. It's all knowledge

until it's applied, but you'll
be able to chew on the fish and

spit out the bones. It's a bit
of a formula, but I heard this

quote from Joseph Campbell and
it's based on Star Wars.

You know, yoda talking teaching
young people how to do things.

He's a talking teaching young
Luke, and he said the freedom

you most seek is in the darkest
part of the cave you most fear

to go, and so that's one thing
that I've actually gone, right.

Well, I actually have to go
inside to find those things that

I'm still hanging on to, and
then not meander in that cave,

not stay there and dwell on my
BS, but to get out and start

exposing. So that's one little
theory. However, kingsley, it's

more like this what's easier
change your thoughts or change

your habits? You know, it's
probably easier to change your.

Try and change your thought
patterns for a moment, but

you'll find that if you don't
change your habits, your

thoughts will come back to the
same as they were. I found

personally that changing my
habits and building a stack of

rhythmic habits in my life on a
daily process has changed my

thoughts, has changed the way I
think about myself, has changed

everything that I do, and so is
it easy to change your thoughts

or your habits, and that's the
answer really to going. What's

the inner work, what's the deep
work I need to do? Well, for a

lot of people, they'll go and
sit on a mountain in Nepal

somewhere and all that stuff,
and great people go on spiritual

journeys to find their purpose
and who they are Fantastic.

However, there is a practical
way of doing this that I believe

a lot of people miss, and it's
like, like I said, we can try

and change our thoughts about
ourselves. We can, we can.

I hear a lot of people say fake
it till you make it. You know,

burn on the toxic positivity by
telling yourself that you're

handsome in the mirror when
really, in the back of your mind

, you think you're not and
you've got to change that. So

you keep telling yourself that
until it changes. Well, I don't

know if I'm totally in alignment
with believing that. However,

the habits have worked for me
and that's what it is. It's just

going right stacking some habits
, stacking some daily healthy

habits and doing it holistically
, like body, mind, soul, spirit.

So like in the morning, like
I've purposed the way I wake up,

I purposed the way I go to sleep
, I purposed the way I wake up.

I do the things in the morning
that are for me first, so I can

then be the best version, and
that has really shown me.

You know the ice bath theory
that I use, how I get in an ice

bath every day, stand around
between seven and five degrees,

and I do it every day for six
minutes, and I know there's

health benefits to it and you'd
probably have some of the

science knowing you about the
health benefits to it.

But for a long time, before I
understood the science, it was

more about take that flesh. It
was more about, well, I'm

sitting here for the extra few
minutes that I'm supposed to,

purely to tell myself that if I
can do this, I can do anything

today, and that has completely
changed my thoughts. So the

habit stack and I don't even
like calling it the habit stack

or the routine anymore, because
they're harsh words, I call it a

rhythm and I'll try and live
within the flow of my rhythm.

But they're all healthy, you
know, and I'm changing that as

1% every day. So I'm looking at
the long game and that's

happened over the last couple of
years. It's like, okay, I'm not

where I want to be, but I'm not
where I was. So I'm present and

I'm happy with where I'm at
today.

Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's
awesome. That's awesome. I

remember someone described it as
a dissatisfied satisfaction.

Yeah.

Speaker 1: That's a great one.

Speaker 3: Description. So okay,
I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm

going to really drill down on
this.

Let's say, we've got a lawyer
who. I know a ton of lawyers

around here and in the law world
. A lot of them love what they

do. Some of them enjoy it. It's
a job, it pays the bills, it

does well for them, but they're
not totally fulfilled, they're

not totally satisfied. They
enjoy what they do, they do a

good job of it, earn a good
income, they provide for their

families. Things are going well.
But there's this something

inside that's not fulfilled,
where they may not feel like

they're living their purpose,
and I know there's a bunch of

people like that in different
occupations. What can they do to

get to that? Is it going into
that dark place and that cave

that they need to go to? Is it
trying to analyze? Am I missing

out on doing something? And
there could be a lot of answers

to this, but you brought up
purpose, so I'm going to hit on

that. Is that to do with purpose
or is that something totally

different?

Speaker 1: Yeah, I believe that
it is to do with. I believe the

whole lot to do with purpose,
because at the end of the day,

it doesn't matter whether you're
a lawyer, you're a doctor,

you're a fireman, you're a
police officer, you're a real

estate agent, you're a painter,
you're an entrepreneur, it

doesn't matter. And people try
to delineate their role from

themselves. You can't. You are
the one person and you should be

that person in all aspects of
your life. So to answer really

short, like, yeah, it's purpose,
and I believe, in the law world

especially, that they it's so on
all the time. They're on all the

time, so they've got to get
stuff done.

Billable hours is huge. So the
more they work, the more they

make and the be the best. You
know we've all watched suits, we

all want to be Harvey Specter,
so you can add that to any sort

of profession. There's always
people who look up to. They work

so hard and long and they're,
you know, they finish the day

with a few whiskies and they,
you know, they sleep for three

hours. So there's a really,
really wise man, one of the

wealthiest men in the world,
unknown, and I remember

listening to this story about
him, and he says that he would

spend four hours a day
meditating and praying and not

doing anything externally to do
one hour's worth of work and in

that one hour he was way more
effective than he would have

been for eight hours in a day
just working.

So for me that's called the
daily rest, that's called the

rest like we are programmed to
rest, because in our resting,

like, if you put it this way, if
I can say like this, kingsley,

if we understand our
comprehension, the way we

comprehend, our brain is wired
naturally to comprehend it

around 550 words a minute.
That's a natural comprehension.

Average reading speed is 263
words a minute. That's the

average reading speed and your
mind's way lower than that. So I

feel like I've got ADHD because
I can't comprehend at the same

rate I read. So my brain's off
off to the left thinking about

something while I'm reading this
and I have to go back and read

it again and you feel like you
probably don't have ADHD or ADD.

But do you know what I'm saying?
So, without actually increasing

the speed of our reading to be
able to read at the same speed

we can comprehend, or slowing
down our comprehension to the

same pace that we're reading,
then we're always having to

catch up and so, if I add that
back to what we're saying about

lawyers or other professions,
their minds are always on so

much that they're always trying
to catch up, they're always

trying to comprehend, but the
truth is we need to slow down to

really find who we are. We need
to actually slow down and again,

some people need a spiritual
journey. I love the walkabout

theory going out, bush and just
walking about in nature, getting

our feet into the earth, getting
the sunlight on us, getting

these things on us that are
natural in nature, to actually

show us who we really are. Like
we have to, and the reason I'm

saying this like that is because
our brains, or our mind, which

are separate to our body,
comprehends so quickly.

But we need to actually go to a
place where it's not doing that.

And the only time sometimes we
can do that is without stimulus,

without being stimulated by all
of the things that are external

and so on. So in a work
environment as a lawyer man,

they are stimulated like crazy.
There's so much going on. How

could they ever truly find
themselves when they're doing

that? So I hope that answers. I
know it's a little bit complex,

but if we can understand that
theory about comprehension and

reading. It shows us how our
mind works. We just need to step

back, slow down, go to nature,
put our feet in the dirt, go

fishing, go surfing, get in the
ocean. Do those things to slow

down those thoughts and finally
start talking to our heart

rather than our head.

Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely. And
anyone who goes camping and

we're not talking about, you
know, glamping, we're talking

about camping here. The real
stuff. When you do get back into

nature, even if it's for a
couple of days where the phones

are the offer, it's just there
but it hardly gets touched and

you're away from everything. But
you're in nature, your feet are

on the ground, you're going for
a swim in the ocean, you're out

in the sun, you're up early in
the morning, there's no pressure

to have to have to have to
perform, you're just there and

doing it. The difference that
you feel completely in every

part of your being is incredible
. And I think that's sort of

what you're talking about, about
getting back to that whole

slowing down, the slowing down
to speed up type of thing,

because without that slowing
down, even though we're pushing

our foot down on the accelerator
more and more, we're not going

any faster.
We're losing a lot of energy and

a lot of steam, but we're not
going any faster.

Speaker 1: Yeah, we're just
spinning our wheels, really

aren't we? Yeah, we're just
spinning our wheels, and that, I

believe, is a journey of purpose
. That's the journey of finding

out who we really are, without
all the stimulus, without all

the effort, without all the
stuff we need to actually come

back. I said it a second ago,
and so I really want to echo

this loudly If you can hear what
your heart's saying, you'll be

able to find out what your
purpose is. The problem is we

listen too much to what our
heads say.

Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely Say
that again. That's awesome.

Speaker 1: If you can listen to
what your heart is saying,

you'll know what your purpose is
. But it's too hard with all the

stimulus around. We listen too
much to our heads and our heads

are on the phone like another
call, or I've got 700 likes for

that reel, or I've got this
going on, or I've got that going

on this stimulus Look, I've got
to answer this email, like,

honestly, it's breathing, it's
getting back to earth to listen

to your heart. What's your heart
saying? What is your heart say

about yourself? And now science
is saying well, our heart is

really our first brain, because
it has intuition attached to it,

memory attached to it, and it's
actually quite mind-blowing that

theory. It really is.

Speaker 3: When you look at it
in science and research, it is

totally mind-blowing and totally
throws out the door everything

that we've thought it's really
yeah, that we're controlled by

our mind.

Speaker 1: Our purpose is not in
our mind, our purpose is in our

heart.

Speaker 3: Yeah, 100%. That's
awesome. It's really interesting

. You're saying that because I
remember when I Well, probably

about halfway through my really
intense scientific journey of

learning all of these sorts of
things, I remember I'm like,

okay, what can I boil all of
this down to Everything that

I've learned, everything that
I've put in practice that has

actually had the right effect
for me, and I thought the

biggest thing that I can get out
of this is get back to nature.

Out of everything is get back.
Now, I'm not a hippie, I'm

nothing like that, but get back
to nature. And I think that's

exactly what you're saying. And
the more that I research, the

more that I've practiced,
developed implemented habits and

things like that in my life that
whole thing of what you're

talking about is so, so true.
And if there's one bottom line

over everything that I would say
is get back to nature, get back

to nature Out of everything else
.

I can't disagree with that, mate
. Now I want to change tactics a

little bit here, because one of
the things that came up in your

bio as well is I just want to
get it here you rediscovered a

lost identity. So to me at the
moment, my personal belief that

a lot of the issues that we're
dealing with in the world at the

moment and I don't want to go
down this track too far or stick

where you are, but I believe
that a lot of the issues we're

dealing with, particularly in
the Western culture, is a fact

of lost identity. We don't know
who we are. So now, obviously,

you mentioned earlier that you'd
been through a journey in life.

Take us back a little bit, open
up, tell us a little bit about

who you are Now in all
transparency. Here we remit,

I'll say, probably about eight,
10 months ago, roughly Something

like that.
Probably yeah, maybe 10, 12,

yeah, something like that by a
mutual friend, mark Pope, who's

a great guy, does a lot of
leadership stuff very, very good

, and interestingly is once he
introduced us because it's funny

just a little by story there he
said to me he said oh, I think

you're a coach and Nath's a
coach. You guys should probably

hook up. I think you'd get on
really well together. And as we

did and I'm starting to look who
is he ends up going through

we've got all these mutual
friends, a lot of the same

friend type people, and ends up
we're actually second cousins,

which is really weird.

Speaker 1: Weird but fantastic.

Speaker 3: Yeah, I think years
and years ago, when I was

probably about five or six or
seven around there, we actually

come up due to home stuff and
stayed with some cousins of ours

that are actually first cousins
and that sort of thing and I

think we may have met a couple
of times then, but just totally

disappeared. So it was really
cool when that actually happened

. But tell us a little bit about
your journey and who you are.

The journey you went on how?
Obviously to rediscover your

identity. You lost it somewhere.
How did you lose it? What was

the journey you went on then to
actually come back and

rediscover your identity.

Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, okay, I
will go all the way there.

There's lots of things that we
understand, that toxic shame

actually whittles away your self
worth. Guilt, shame, toxic shame

will completely eliminate your
identity. There's more to it

than that, though, because
people might say, well, I don't

feel toxic shame, but I don't
know who I really am. So,

scientifically, let's just have
this aspect around this first

and understand this first,
before we get right into my

journey is every child is born.
There's two things that happen

when you're born, you've got 400
different psychological traits,

400 different psychological
traits. It's like personality,

temperaments, and so we see a
kid and he's showing a tantrum

or he's chucking a wobbly, and
our thing is to control him, put

them in a controlled environment
so they don't do that anymore,

because it's not, it's
embarrassing, but they don't

know how to react to their
emotion. That's going on, or

they don't even know how to
communicate, probably because

they still can't speak and say
exactly what they're feeling or

what they want. They don't know
how to. So what we do is we

create the control environment
to tell them how to do it by

different things. That's society
, and the perfect example of

this is there's trees down on
the surf coast of Australia,

branches down in Torquay and
their trunks are straight, but

their branches and their leaves
touch the ground, and that's

because of the wind, that's
because of the environment, and

so they're born to have their
leaves go straight to the sun.

That's what they're created to
do. Trees are created so their

branches and their leaves will
touch the sun or aim at the sun

or aim at light. However, the
environment is what shaped them

and so just giving that
backstory and helping people

understand that, you know, I'm a
really big advocate for looking

at education systems that we do
wrong.

I'm really big advocate for not
cramping the style of allowing

someone to express their
creativity, that all things are

one way. No, they're not.
Everyone's created so

individually and that's been a
part of my journey and I believe

that I've been on that journey.
So I also echo this and help

people find, you know, do what
they don't believe. They can,

you know, and that's the big
thing. So my journey I grew up

in church. I grew up with
ministers as parents, very high

profile in Australia and had a
big influence all over the world

and as we understand the
Pentecostal movement or any

religious movements they have
and I'm very cautious here

because I'm a big endorser of
church. I'm a massive endorser

of religion. It's my life.
However, there's two things in

that organ. Those are your
organizations, and they can be

in any organization or any ism
or any religion or any believe

you're going to have issues.
That's right. So it's conformity

versus transformity. And so when
someone comes along and we don't

, we have a set way, this is the
way that we know that they're

going to turn out how we want
them, then that's conformity.

And so in all those areas I grew
up under conformity and I know

that there was certain things
that happened at a particular

time where my father I remember
at one stage on a Sunday church

was big in Townsville, there was
probably I don't know 600, 700

people in attendance and I was
sitting chatting to my mates and

my dad and three of his ushers
came down from the pool because

I was chatting during the
service and in front of the

whole church, dressed me down
and all the listeners might be

going oh, that is just the worst
thing that someone could ever a

father could ever do. He was not
perfect, and that's okay, him

and I. He's not in this world at
the moment anymore. He's passed

on to a better life, should we
say to a better place. But him

and I we well and truly mended
fences before he departed and

he's a great hero of mine. So I
want to give that aspect as well

.
Kids, that's a perspective thing

too. It may not have happened
that way, but that was my

perspective. The truth is that I
was really hurting because my

father was too busy building a
church rather than building a

family and I was missing my dad.
So any little thing that

happened like that then all of a
sudden attached itself to me,

needing approval or needing
attention or telling me it

wasn't good enough. So my
identity slowly started to shift

and I had to start performing
for the identity, to get the

attention and love, nurture and
meaning and belonging that I

really wanted. So that's a
really important aspect to

understand is if we can give
kids like. Resilience is built

by a nurturing person mentor,
father figure, mother figure but

someone who can nurture that
child. That's how resilience is

actually built. That's a Harvard
study done.

Speaker 3: So if we can
understand, can I just come in

there and just say one thing
that your dad obviously was

incredibly successful, or what
he did. He was very focused,

very successful, very driven and
made things happen. And that can

be in anything.
It can be in building a business

, it can be in a career it can
be in your sport, it can be in a

lawyer, it could be in any
aspect of life where you're

putting all that effort. But the
other avenue that you're talking

about family, etc is missing out
on that, and that might be

something that either we are
doing ourselves right now that

we need to look at, or something
that has happened to us as kids,

as similar to what has happened
to you as well. So I just want

to bring that in so to help
people, I guess, get a grasp of.

It. Can be anybody in any sphere
of life, or whatever they're

doing.

Speaker 1: This was just mine,
this is the way, this is where I

grew up, so this is the only
story I have. And so, going on

with life, I then became
addicted to approval, needed to

get the attention and the love
that I was missing. And so,

because three of the basic human
needs are love, connection and

belonging Well, I think that the
three at the lowest point. The

Maslow has got a hierarchy of
needs. There's all these other

people with different theories
of needs Jordan Peterson talks

about it as well but
understanding that there's

actually the three most
important ones are connection,

love and belonging, and where
those are missing, then we will

just about give up our virtue to
get them.

I know that I went against all
my morals. I broke every

characteristic, every bit of
integrity in my life because I

didn't feel like I belonged, I
didn't feel like I was loved and

I didn't have a connection. And
one of my dad's greatest

statements is he would say this
to the church in the local area,

but also on the global space and
on the stage that he was

globally, he would say this I
would say to my kids my door is

always open to my children. And
my immediate thought the minute

I heard him say that every time
he said it was yeah, that's true

, but he said my office door is
always open to my children. I'd

say, yeah, that's true, but your
office is at the church and

you're always in your office.
And so the connection for me

broke.
And I remember, years later my

mum asked me where did you go
wrong? And my dad turned to her

and said are you stupid, murray?
We did that to him and thinking

that I was some sort of black
sheep. But I allowed shame into

my life by the actions I was
doing, because I gave up my

virtues, I gave up my values, I
gave up my integrity because I

was so desiring to belong and to
fit, and that is what killed my

identity, rather than nurturing
my identity. It killed my

identity and then.

Speaker 3: So you're saying that
to get that attention, belonging

love, et cetera you literally
went against everything that you

really knew in your heart and
your mind to be true.

Speaker 1: Values, beliefs, and
I believe a lot of people do it.

I believe, look, I look at my
own kids and where I failed and

go, I know that that's what
they've done. Everyone wants to

belong. So if you look at, if
you look at I listened to a

great podcast with what's her
name, deer Khan. Deer Khan,

she's a journalist. She
infiltrated the white

supremacist movement in America
and she did a documentary about

them. And one of the things that
they do was they make their new

inductees or their new people
that come in the patches or

whatever they want to call them.
They make them feel what they

belong.
So you think about it. A kid is

a kid. He's never got a motive
to do the wrong thing. We're not

programmed to do that. We're not
programmed to do the wrong thing

. We're actually shaped to. So
but if you don't find a place

where you belong, hey, come and
be a part of this biker gang, or

come and be a part of this group
and all of a sudden, true

association, you're doing all
the things that you weren't

actually designed to but you're
programmed to, and so I believe

that's a lot of the reason why
identity gets lost. And mine did

mate, mine did.
I gave up my virginity when I

was, I think, 15, and that as
much as a writer passage in

Australia is for a boy is to go
out, get on the piss with his

mates, lose his virginity and
get in a fight and all of a

sudden you're a man. There's
nothing. That's not nothing like

the truth. So I gave up my
virginity, I got stuck in a porn

, all sorts of stuff, and it
actually started layering up the

shame in my life until it was so
toxic that I completely didn't

know who I was. And that went a
long way into my marriage. I was

married for kids and still going
who the am I? What am I? And

realizing that that's what I say
, to go to that, on that journey

back into myself, to find out
who I really was, what are those

400 psychological traits that
actually really do lend and make

you the creative person you're
supposed to be? And so there was

a lot. There was a lot of places
where I tried to find belonging

for, but I was so lost, so
addicted to approval, so needed

attention, and all those things
are symptoms of a greater cause,

and that cause was I didn't feel
like I belonged, and so when I

started that journey it was all
about me belonging to me, not me

belonging to a parent. It was
all about me getting the

validation inside me.
And I know in the Christian

world people say you don't get
validation from you inside. You

got to get it from God. You got
to deny yourself. Well, that's a

big. That's a big.
There's a dichotomy in that, a

real dichotomy in that, a real
one that people don't understand

. When Jesus said, if you want
to follow me, deny yourself,

take up your cross daily and
follow me. And there's a

dichotomy in that because what
he's saying is don't answer your

ego and your selfish desires.
Answer to the person that I

created you to be. That's that
one inside. And so and that's

the, I guess the paradox in all,
that is like denying oneself is

denying your selfish desires and
ambitions and motives to

actually come back to who you
really are, who you designed to

be, and that, like I said, come
back to those 400

characteristics, those 400
things, those beautiful created

person Like I can sit in front
of a mirror or in front of

anyone and say you know what
that Nate Cartley do? I love him

, he's awesome.
So that's the lost identity.

It happened through a long
process of my parents being way

too busy with other things and
not knowing not knowing how to

nurture family, and the one of
the greatest little quotes I've

heard recently, and I love this
because, even though I've

screwed up as a parent with my
children, it has, it's cycled

its way back around for me,
which I'm so grateful and so

humbled by.
But true success is having your

adult kids want to hang out with
you, and so for me that didn't

really happen to my family and
we're quite dysfunctional. As

much as we all love each other,
we're still a dysfunction in my

family, but with my immediately
family, my wife and my four

children and their partners in
our grandchild, they all want to

be with me and I think, okay,
what did I do there? So I think

the journey of identity and the
journey of purpose has actually

done that, has made me realize
it's not about what I achieve

externally or it's more about me
knowing who I truly am,

understanding my identity,
understanding my purpose,

understanding my mission, and
all of a sudden you become a

light that people want to come
to you. Things come to you, so

you come very attractive, and
that's what has happened.

Speaker 3: Is there anything
specifically that helped you,

that you did, that helped you
rediscover your identity? You've

given us a good overall view of
what has to happen, but are

there specific steps that you
took or people can take to

actually do that?

Speaker 1: The very first, most
important thing is take radical

responsibility for your life.
You know, we talk about

self-awareness or awareness, and
I think there's a difference

between being self-aware or
aware and taking responsibility

for your life, because you can
be self-aware and you can go I'm

aware of that about myself but
without taking responsibility

and ownership for it. I think
Iggy McGowan said that recently

on my podcast that taking
ownership of those things like

at the end of the day, it was my
perspective as a kid. What

happened to me, it was my
perspective, and so those things

that I thought happened to me
really happened for me.

And that's when the shift
happens is when I've taken

ownership of the shit and I know
it's easy. Things take ownership

of it and go okay, I don't wanna
own it anymore, I don't wanna

own that ugliness, I don't. I've
gotta own it, it's mine, it's

happened for me. I'm very aware
of myself, I'm self-aware, but I

don't wanna own that. That's
ugly. So then you actually do

the work to shift on. But that's
number one is to Sorry, I just

just on.

Speaker 3: that is, and I think
one of the things that makes it

hard for people to do that is it
hurts to do that. It really does

hurt and it feels and it feels.
I guess there's embarrassment

and shame in doing it, but once
you do actually get there, the

freedom that you get out of that
is unbelievable, Like the

freedom that comes with that is
just that in itself, let alone

anything else, is worth it.

Speaker 1: Oh yeah, absolutely.
The humiliation that brings the

real humiliation that brings
suffering, or the real suffering

that brings humiliation, is so
freeing. It is so freeing Just

to be able to go. I don't have
the answers, I'm not good enough

, but that's good enough, I'm
okay. Yeah, so it starts there,

kingsley. It starts with taking
real responsibility and

ownership for the stuff in your
life that's been, oh that

happened to you, and you turn
that into a happen for you.

Speaker 3: Yeah, that's awesome.
That's awesome, and I think if

people can just go and hear
those last five, 10 minutes

again and start to apply that,
that in itself will make the

world of difference, because we
all have those issues to deal

with or have dealt with or no,
let's go. We all have those

issues to deal with because none
of us are there yet. We've still

got other work to be doing. So
if you're listening or watching

this and you think I don't wanna
go there, we all have issues to

deal with. Still, we will never
be a completed, perfect human on

this planet. It's that simple.
It's just an ongoing process,

but as we do, that freedom is
incredible. I wanna ask you now

because obviously you've got a
number of businesses, you're

very successful, you're a coach,
you're happily married for 30

plus years, you've got a great
family, kids and I think there's

one grandchild at this stage. Is
that right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: Yeah.

Speaker 3: Out of everything
that you've done and the journey

you've been on, what are you
most proud of?

Speaker 1: Oh, my children. I
don't even have to think about

that. Why is that? I think
there's two I think the most

proud of is I've been married
for ooh, I'm gonna get in

trouble here 32, 30. I've been
married for 31 years, 32 years,

something like that. I can't
remember, I do.

Speaker 3: I was 31 or 32 years
ago, mate. That's fine.

Speaker 1: I'm most proud of the
fact that we are still together

and I don't say that in a way
for other people, because I know

your circumstances. Other people
haven't made it to that point,

because there's all sorts of
reasons why people have to get

out of relationships and it's
really important that we know

what stage we're at. But for me
personally, I'm proud of that

that I've been able to get
through my stuff and maintain

and love my wife the way she
needs to be.

Speaker 3: That's awesome.

Speaker 1: I'm exceptionally
proud of my children, and it's

not because of anything I've
done, is I had a hand in

creating them, but it was only a
hand and it was a few enjoyable

seconds and that was pretty
well-eaten. Yeah, everyone can

say, oh, we made love. Well, you
know what? For men, it was a few

enjoyable seconds and you
created humans. So that's the

truth. Yeah, I am most proud of
them because they are who they

are.
We have a little saying in our

family and it goes like this. It
goes be who you are when you're

there. And that's both. My wife
and I weren't given the

opportunity to do that as we
grew up, because we both grew up

with very over-authoritarian
parents that tried to make us

toe the line with the way they
saw things in the world. So, and

again, that happened. We take
responsibility for that

ourselves and we've made the
decisions to actually grow from

that point. Because of that, we
went okay, what do we want our

family to be like? We want them
to be free, we want them to be

creative, we want them to be the
people they were designed to be.

So let's create that. Let's
create that, whether it's

accidentally or on purpose, but
let's create it. So be who you

are when you're there. And that
doesn't mean it doesn't. It

means and, yeah, we can go on
and design the life that we want

and that's the person we want to
be out here and then be that

person now.
But a lot of the time being

present, and this is who I
really am it can be very

confronting for people, because
my children are my children and

whether they say the wrong thing
, act the wrong way, whatever

they do this is one thing I know
about my children is they're

extremely loyal, they are
extremely fun and they know how

to love unconditionally. There's
no condition about their love

for each other and for Mander
and I. And so I am out of like

we're just about to take up an
opportunity. We're working on

opportunity that could see
everything that I've done in my

life business-wise culminate
into one thing that we're just

it's mind-blowing. The
opportunity it's like really is,

and I can't give it up at this
stage. But I look at it and go

well, you know, there's the
design that I was designed for.

All the things that I've done
have pointed me to this thing.

But even if that all came off,
and even if in the smallest

aspect it came off. It would be
hugely financially successful

for us, but still it wouldn't.
And I can say this confidently,

that once upon a time before,
that's what meant to me,

everything meant to me. I would
be significant, I would have

financial wealth, I would be
seen and approved of.

But now I really that may happen
and even if it does, the most

successful thing that I've done
is curate for beautiful humans

and that's the deal for me my
ability just to be able to

understand and listen, and it's
just been a very humbling

experience to for God to go slap
, listen to them, you know, and

me go. Oh yeah, right, that's
the deal. So I'm very honored

and very grateful for the five
exceptional humans that he put

directly into my life the three
other so far and hoping for the

fourth little partner to come
along, and then the one

grandchild so far and hopefully
we're getting another one next

year, not to mention all the
dogs, and there is one cat that

we don't like to talk about.

Speaker 3: But Well, you just
did. Yeah, I know At least you

mentioned the cat. So wherever
people are at, at least you

mentioned it. So that's good,
you're on the good side. I'm

gonna laugh at that. A couple of
more questions, because our

time's pretty much up. But
that's what you're most proud of

, and some people do put their
identity into their business or

their career or to different
things like this, and then stuff

goes wrong.

Speaker 1: Can I just jump in
for a second? Can?

Speaker 3: you Can I just jump.

Speaker 1: I do need to say this
. I'm also very, very proud of

myself. Like, what are the
things like? I'm proud, go get

emotional with this one. I'm
proud that I did this. I'm proud

that I've made it to this point.
I'm proud that I've gone down

into that dark cave and I see a
counselor. I was seeing a

counselor once a week, now see
her once a month. But it's

proactive. I endorse that,
endorse it hugely. See people

find someone, get a coach.
Everyone should have a coach and

a counselor. So I'm proud of
myself, like, yeah, I'm proud of

my children, I'm proud of all
that. But I'm really proud of

myself, kingsley. I'm proud of
the fact that I've suffered.

That's not over, it never will
be. But I've found the joy in

suffering and I'm proud of
myself for what I've become and

who I am also becoming sorry to.

Speaker 3: I just no, that's
brilliant. I'm really glad you

said that, because there's this
big thing about ego and people

have a negative attachment to
ego. I think we are born

particularly as males with egos
and I think they're a good thing

. But when we have lost our
identity or where we are trying

to make up for something, that's
where our ego is not something

that is actually an ego. It's
something that we're actually

trying to prove to ourselves and
trying to be something. So we're

acting like we are all this big,
high and mighty where we're not,

whereas ego is, to me, the real
good. Ego is something where I

am proud of me, I am proud of
what I've done, I am proud of

where I've been, what I've
achieved, but in a good humble

way, just like you talked about,
and I think we get it so wrong

sometimes. I'm really glad you
said that.

Speaker 1: I totally agree with
you because the ego if you wanna

look at the ego like this, you
can be egocentric, which is

you're all about you, which is
basically narcissistic, or you

can use the ego as a device to
protect you and to give you the

wisdom that you need to see
things that you may not see. And

so quite often we'll find that
our ego is the thing that's

trying to protect us. It's the
thing that it's there saying all

this stuff to us and if we pair
it back and go, oh thank you,

ego, but I'm not gonna operate
out of that right now, the ego

is there. And if it's without
any sort of foundation of

identity, like you said, without
any good foundation of moral and

of integrity, the ego will float
off into the atmosphere and

think it's all this, but when
it's grounded with the right

morals and integrity and
identity and the characters and

the values that we need, then
it's a device that helps us in

times where it's for security.
It's for safety.

You're not that good, you won't
do that. Well, thank you. But I

am that good and I will do that.
It's there for safety and

security. It helps us think
about things. So that's the way

I see ego now.

Speaker 3: Yeah, 100%. We need
it and it's a good thing so long

as we are good in ourselves.

Speaker 1: Yeah, just like we
need doubt, people go oh, I grew

up with all doubts from the
devil. No, that's rubbish,

doubt's good. Doubt means that
if you're doubting about

something right now, you're
putting yourself in an

uncomfortable position. That is
where you wanna be, because you

know what status quo is your
biggest enemy.

Speaker 3: Yeah, 100%, 100%. So
you've almost sort of answered,

I think, a little bit of that
question, but and maybe you have

but the question, I've got two
more questions to go. Basically,

people who have built their
career, their business, their

maybe the sporting career or
whatever it is that they've

built, and they lose it. It's
gone for whatever reason, and it

happens to people all the time.
What would your advice to them

to be when they're in this place
of I was all this and now I've

lost everything. They lose their
identity, because quite often

their identity is who that
person was or what they had

built for themselves.

Speaker 1: Yeah, there's lots in
this. I'm a big fan of Peter

Crone, who and I could talk for
hours on this. Really, because

we put our identity into people
groups. You know, I am this or I

am that. When we say I am, that
means we are like I'm a failure.

You're putting yourself in
alignment with a failure. I am a

smoker Like you smoke cigarettes
. You're actually identifying as

that person. I am useless. I am
like even all the people groups

that are being created now in
the LGBTQ community like that's

a community of a people group
that's being created, whereas I

like to see it as no. I'm a
human.

First, I'm Nathan. Before I was
a cartelage, so my identity

isn't even my surname. My
identity is that. So I remember

listening to Benji Marshall and
in Australia we know Benji

Marshall is a great rugby league
player. He he had a real

identity problem when he
finished football. He realized

his whole football career was
wrapped around. His whole

identity was wrapped around his
football career and the

successes that he had, and when
he came out of football he was

really lost. He didn't know who
he was and he actually

articulated this on the
apprentice the show that's on

one of the television stations,
but it's a really good thing

that he articulated about his
identity and realizing that he'd

put all of his identity on what
he could become externally. And

so where it needs to start is
right where I started, right at

the very beginning. Who are you
before you are a surname? Who

are you before you are and dare
I say it any color or race? Who

are you before you are an
Australian or an American? Who

are you? Because that's not your
identity.

People have these things, and I
don't mean to just pick out

their LGBTQ community. There's
lots of them, there's so many.

There's all these people, groups
that people want to attach

because they want to belong.
Kinkley, that's that basic human

need connection, love and
belonging. They want to belong.

So then they belong to something
and they change their identity

suit that. So they belong to the
NRL, they belong to the AFL,

they belong to golf, they belong
to tennis, they belong to the

law society, they belong to the
real estate community. They're a

real estate agent. They say I am
a real estate agent. No, you're

not. That's your doing. That's
your doing. But what's your

being? Your being is who is
Kingsley before you are Kingsley

? Colley, that's your being. And
so our identity is in our being,

which is in our heart, which is
right there. So you can't, and I

understand it.
Lots of sporting heroes, there's

lots of stories about them
getting so lost, and I'm a big

fan of Danny Crawley, who was a
great AFL player, great play,

played for St Kilda and he took
his own life quite a few years

ago and they built a foundation
around all this sort of stuff

and he was so vivacious and so
fun and so articulate with the

football community, afl
community, and he took his own

life and I thought immediately
his whole life was wrapped

around his ability to perform on
the field.

He never truly got to know who
he really was, and so I would

say to anyone no matter what
you're achieving, know thyself

first. The created being is so
beautiful a person that you are

designed to be and you'll find
absolute abundance in that place

. And so don't put your identity
in what and it's like we hear it

so often people say, don't wrap
your identity around that

success. But you know what I
would say it's hard, that's a

hard one, because that's what
the world's showing us. We

should be, and we have got to go
against the flow, we've got to

run against the tide and say,
well, I've got to find myself.

Go back to nature, do the
opposites, do all the opposites,

make it opposite day, or
something like that.

Speaker 3: So yeah, no, that's
good mate, that's good, and it's

so so true. Last question, as
we're wrapping up here, we talk

a lot about the ultimate
tomorrow here and creating the

ultimate tomorrow. That's what
tomorrow's today is all about.

What is the ultimate tomorrow?

Speaker 1: For Nathan, for
Nathan, I'm living it today,

awesome.

Speaker 3: I'm living my
ultimate tomorrow.

Speaker 1: I'm living my
ultimate tomorrow today.

Speaker 3: So what does that
mean? What are you living?

Speaker 1: Making sure that I
love the people in my world that

I'm meant to love Actually, no,
that's wrong. Making sure that I

love everyone, because that's
important for me Compassion,

love, empathy. We've got two
ears, one mouth. Use the greater

tool, two ears. Yes, success in
business? That is definitely an

ultimate tomorrow, seeing my
grandchildren grow and my

children grow in the ways that
they're designed to being

effective. I think, to answer it
in one term, I can say yeah, I

want business success. I want
family success, I want this,

this, this, this, this, this,
this, this, this, tomorrow. But

so my this is how I would answer
it in one thing that my light

would shine brighter tomorrow
than it does today.

Speaker 3: Awesome. And just to
follow up on that one, what do

you do daily, what habits do you
have or things that you do on a

daily basis that makes you live
or helps you live your ultimate

tomorrow?

Speaker 1: I think I said this
at the beginning. It's how I go

to sleep and that's a work.
That's a lot of work. I'm

actually working on some more
stuff in that now.

How I go to sleep rather than
watching a screen, read

something, even if it's just for
a couple of minutes, read

something, because what goes in
our brains when we sleep is how

we'll sleep. So how I sleep, how
I wake up, being grateful. I

then spend between half an hour
to an hour in prayer, meditation

, a journal I read. I then do a
couple of small chores in the

house before I get into my gym
and I'll work out whether that's

a half an hour hit or it's just
some resistance training. It all

depends on my fasting regime,
where I'm at with my fasting

regime.
After I finish my training, I

then get on my moped, no matter
how cold it is in winter, and

I'll go to our good friends out
at P3 and I get into sauna

straight away, spend 30 minutes
in sauna, straight into the ice

bath, relax a little bit in the
warm one and then go home. I eat

and I just. At that point I
might have a look at my calendar

, I might have a little play on
my social. See what's happening

there. Have a look at my emails
before I head to work. That's

how I frame my whole morning.
Now that's taken a lot of years

to have as an automatic thing,
because it takes longer than you

think to create habits. It's not
the whole theory of 32 days to

create it. It's not, that's
rubbish. It's longer, it's

sometimes, do you think?

Speaker 3: every habit's
different for every person,

every person.

Speaker 1: So some people
believe it's over 100 days, so I

don't know. It's just taken me a
long time to make sure that that

Is it non-negotiable, and then
be malleable with it as well,

like yesterday. I had to go to
Melbourne yesterday so I had to

be at the airport at 5.00 am. So
I miss some of those things. But

then it's not hanging myself if
I don't, and I love what James

Clear says about it. James Clear
says Miss one day, just don't

miss two. And so they're the
habits.

And then during the day I try
and random active call and

random active kindness, a few
things like that, like shouting

someone a coffee or whatever it
is. So those things always keep

me like having meetings with
people like this. This will be

energy up for me. This will a
lot of dopamine. I've had a

great time here talking to you
and I love what you're doing,

kingsley. I love the ultimate
tomorrow today. I live that

ultimate tomorrow today. I love
the theory behind it. I think

everyone needs to get a part of
this. So I'll be energy up after

this, I love it.

Speaker 3: Good stuff, nathan.
Thank you so much. I really

appreciate your time. I don't
know it's been a little while

last getting here to actually
make this happen, but it's so

good and I'm glad we were
actually able to go to a

different level to why we quite
often get to on this podcast.

Sometimes we do go down here in
various ways, but we've hit it

in a totally different avenue
and area, particularly with

identity and purpose and things
like that, and I really hope

people will take this and
implement, start doing things,

and people who do wanna make
changes in their life, if they

wanna contact you and get more
from some of your coaching or

anything like that, what's the
best way people can get in touch

with you?

Speaker 1: I think probably the
best way people can get in touch

with me is through my Instagram
handle, which is at Nathan

Cartledge. Just DM me, I'll find
it somewhere. Other than that, I

am on LinkedIn, I am on Facebook
, but that's probably the most

prevalent one for me. That's the
platform that I use the most.

I'm sure Kingsley will put some
other details in the show notes,

but even if I'll put it this way
, I'm an open book.

I'm willing to help anybody. I
don't care about whether or not

there's anything in it for me or
anything further. If you need

help or you've lost your
identity or you're struggling in

this aspect, I'm happy to take a
15 minute phone call or buy you

a coffee. So, because no one
deserves to be so stuck that

they can't find their way out,
because I know the end to that

one, and the end is not good.
I've seen the end and I've been

close to it, and so have you,
Kingsley, and we both talked

about that. There is a better
way. The light at the end of the

tunnel is not necessarily
another train coming the other

way.

Speaker 3: Yeah, that's very
true and that's why you're here.

That's why I've invited you on
here, nathan. Thank you so much.

I know it's been a little bit of
a longer podcast today, but

that's cool, because I know
people get to get so much out of

it. Thank you so much. Have an
awesome day.

Speaker 1: No worries, kingsley.
Thanks, mate, appreciate it and

have a great day everybody.

Speaker 3: Hallelujah. Remember
create the life that you want.

Speaker 1: Amen.